Episode 58: Creating Safe Havens: Kristen Feemster on the Power of Inclusive Recovery Spaces
In this episode, Ray sits down with Kristen Feemster, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and wellness coach, to talk about her powerful journey through addiction and recovery. A former college athlete, Kristen opens up about how the pressure to be perfect as a Black woman, growing up in a mostly white community, and other life stressors led her down a path of alcohol addiction. She shares the pivotal moments that made her realize she needed to change and the people and inclusive spaces that helped her along the way. Kristen also dives into the importance of having a strong support system, why open conversations about mental health and addiction matter, and the resources out there for anyone looking to heal their relationship with alcohol.
Kristen’s Toolkit:
Find safe professional spaces to recover as a person of color
Seek therapy
Loved ones leaving a compassionate, loving space to seek help
Take the scary step to seek help
Be honest with yourself
Take note if you’re becoming defensive about the substance you’re using
Don’t worry about perfectionism
Connect to sober communities on social media/ podcasts
Physical activity
Create a routine sleep schedule
Education on alcohol and its effects
Spirituality of some kind
The Turning Point: Are you being defensive about your drinking?
Are you defensive about your drinking? Have you lashed out at a loved one who asked questions about your substance use? Are you justifying your use?
The moment Kristen got defensive about her drinking was the moment she realized she needed to make a change. Her mother had gently confronted her about signs she saw in Kristen’s drinking. Kristen immediately got angry. “I think that was a big catalyst for, ‘Okay, I can see this,’” Kristen said of the interaction. “Because if I'm defending something that I know is true with someone who I know loves me unconditionally, wouldn't care what I said back to them, then that lets me know I've completely lost control and the slope is as slippery as it can get if I don't do something now.”
She talks about how, for a long time, defensiveness was her go-to way of protecting herself from facing uncomfortable truths. "I realized that my defensiveness wasn’t serving me anymore—it was keeping me from facing the things I needed to heal," she explains. This realization was a turning point, as it helped her break free from the need to always be on guard. Kristen shares how important self-awareness became in her healing process: "The more I owned my pride and insecurities, the less I felt the need to defend myself, and the more open I became to real change." Letting go of that defense mechanism allowed her to connect more deeply with others and embrace the vulnerability that comes with recovery.
Finding Safe Spaces to Recover is Pivotal
It was hard for Kristen to remain anonymous at 12-step meetings as one of the only Black women in attendance. “And I'm five-eleven, almost six feet, big fro walking in the room. There is no anonymity.” It also didn’t help that her sponsor was a white woman who, despite being helpful in the ways that she could, could not understand why it was hard for Kristen to even walk into the recovery room four months into the program. Kristen pushed through the discomfort as she has done most of her life.
But it was the 2016 election that changed everything for her. She realized in order to have long-lasting results in recovery, she needed to make a change. As Kristen navigated the challenges of being in predominantly white spaces within traditional 12-step programs, she began to realize the importance of finding a community where she could feel truly understood and represented. When the COVID-19 pandemic forced recovery meetings to shift online, it opened the door for her to connect with diverse and inclusive spaces across the country. Through She Recovers, Kristen attended a virtual meeting for women of color and was moved by the sheer number of Black and brown faces that appeared on her screen.
“I remember the first meeting—just seeing all these little Black and brown faces on Zoom—it was overwhelming, but in the best way. I finally found a space where I felt seen,” Kristen shares. This profound moment not only validated her need for a more inclusive recovery space, but it also gave her the support system she had been searching for. She went on to join more groups with women of color online, and she has created her own organization to help others looking for recovery. Kristen’s story highlights the importance of creating recovery spaces that are diverse, safe, and representative, reinforcing how essential it is to find a community that reflects your own experiences.
Kristen’s details
Instagram: @kristenfeemster
Facebook: B3 by Kristen
YouTube: @kristenfeemster
Website: B3 by Kristen
Resources mentioned in the show: